When my mental health is at its worst, I will do two things. The first thing is very angry. This is a futile effort, because I am mainly angry with a vague concept. In February 2019, I checked into a rehabilitation clinic and finally struggled with my alcohol addiction. After so many years, what bothers me is that this is not the magic eraser I secretly hope it is. Everything that happened before I was awake happened; all the personal defects now are as real as they were then, no matter how much I think I have changed. Indeed, it is unfair to be angry about this, but I still do! I found myself thinking, "If I only feel worse, what's the point of being sober?"
The second thing I did, almost like clockwork, turned to Resident Evil 4. Some things in that game comforted me. I like this game, but only when my brain feels the end of the world, I will indulge in it. This is a strange way of measuring my sanity: When things are going well, I live my life as usual, and when things go wrong, my life revolves around Resident Evil 4.
Now, I have Resident Evil 4 from Game Informer. Super Replay opens in a tab on my computer. Seeing familiar levels, coupled with comments from Jeff Cork, Kyle Hilliard, Andrew Reiner, and Tim Turi, made me look normal in difficult times. It's almost like a grounding technique that allows me to stay here and now instead of vacillating between panic and frustration. I had to pause the video to write this article, I can already feel my brain starting to work.
After get off work tonight, I may start a new Resident Evil 4 game. Hell, I can watch our super replay while watching. This is certainly not the first time. Last year, when I was on a similar ship, I played Resident Evil 4 3 times in less than a month. A simple comfort in terrible moments.
Part of it is obviously evasion. I don’t want to think about what’s in my head, so I played a game where I knew the front, back and center because it was familiar and distracted me from things. No matter how many times you have experienced periods of poor mental health, no matter how you feel used to it, sometimes you have to fight this familiarity with better familiarity, and it is this familiarity that makes me time and time again Back to it again.
I am not too interested or not concerned about how good I think the game is. I just focus on exercise, exercise muscle memory, and accomplish macro and micro goals until my brain finally calms down. These days I'm just playing the Infinite Rocket Launcher, blowing up everything for the coming of the kingdom. I hardly pay attention to the content on the screen, I skip every scene and give myself something to do. I like to do things. Or at least I know how to do it.
I think this is very important. Not a dedicated game, but I think it is necessary to get you back to the lowest level of familiar things and focus your attention on anything else. I have a lot of complicated feelings about life after being awake and how I deal with it (not very good!), although these are things I need to work on, but sometimes it does no good for a person. They spend every waking moment in the worst part of the brain. Sometimes it is better to turn off all of these and focus on killing zombies or whatever. I hope there is such a thing in your life. If you don't have one, I hope you can find it. Now, if you can forgive me, I must go back to Resident Evil 4.
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